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What Is Consent? A Guide to Healthy Boundaries in Relationships
What Is Consent?
Consent means agreeing to something freely and willingly. In relationships, it means both people feel comfortable and safe with what’s happening.
Consent is about respect and communication. It’s not just about physical touch—it also applies to emotional, digital, and social situations. For example, you need consent to:
- Hug someone
- Hold hands
- Kiss someone
- Share personal information
- Send or receive private photos
- Share a secret someone told you
If someone doesn’t say yes or looks uncomfortable, then consent has not been given.
The Five Rules of Consent
A good way to remember consent is to think of these five rules:
- Freely given – Consent should be given without pressure, guilt, or force.
- Reversible – You can change your mind at any time. Saying yes once doesn’t mean saying yes forever.
- Informed – You should know exactly what you are agreeing to.
- Enthusiastic – A clear, happy, and excited “yes” is needed. If someone seems unsure, it’s a no.
- Specific – Agreeing to one thing doesn’t mean agreeing to everything.
Example 1: Checking In
Alex and Sam have been dating for a few months. One day, Alex asks, “Can I kiss you?” Sam smiles and says, “Yes, I’d like that.” Alex checks in by asking, and Sam gives clear, enthusiastic consent. This is healthy and respectful communication.
Example 2: Changing Your Mind
Jordan and Taylor are watching a movie. Taylor starts holding Jordan’s hand. At first, Jordan is okay with it but later feels uncomfortable. Jordan gently pulls their hand away. Taylor notices and doesn’t force it. Jordan changed their mind, and Taylor respected the boundary.
Example 3: No Means No
Chris and Riley are at a party. Chris asks Riley to dance. Riley shakes their head and says, “No, I don’t feel like dancing.” Chris respects that answer and walks away. Even though Riley didn’t give a reason, their “no” was enough. Consent should always be respected, no matter what.
Why Consent Matters?
Consent helps people feel safe, respected, and in control of their own bodies and choices. When consent is ignored, it can lead to uncomfortable or even harmful situations. Everyone deserves to feel heard and valued in a relationship.
Respecting consent also builds trust and stronger connections. People who feel safe in relationships are more likely to be happy and open with each other.
A healthy relationship should have:
- Open communication – Talking about what you’re comfortable with.
- Respect for personal space – Understanding that “no” is a full sentence.
- Trust – Knowing your partner listens and cares about your feelings.
A bad relationship might include:
- Ignoring when someone says “no” or “stop.”
- Guilt-tripping or pressuring someone to do something they don’t want to do.
- Saying things like, “If you really loved me, you would…”
How to Talk About Consent With a Partner
Many people feel awkward talking about consent, but it’s important to be open and honest. Here are some tips:
- Ask Clearly – “Are you okay with this?” “Do you like this?”
- Use “I” Statements – “I want to make sure you’re comfortable.”
- Pay Attention – If your partner looks uncomfortable or isn’t answering clearly, pause and check in.
- Accept the Answer – If someone says “no,” respect their decision without guilt-tripping them.
Consent is a conversation, not just a question. Here are some simple ways to ask:
- “Is this okay with you?”
- “Do you want to do this?”
- “Are you comfortable with this?”
Bad example: “You’re not going to say no, right?” (This pressures someone.)
Good example: “Would you like to hold hands?” (This gives them a choice.)
If the other person says “no,” hesitates, or seems unsure, respect their answer.
Consent and Alcohol or Drugs
If someone is drunk, high, or unconscious, they cannot give consent. Even if they say “yes,” they may not be in the right state of mind to make decisions. If you’re unsure, wait until you’re both sober before making choices about intimacy.
What to Do If Someone Doesn’t Respect Your Consent
If someone ignores your “no” or makes you feel pressured, it’s important to get help. Here are some steps you can take:
- Talk to someone you trust (a friend, family member, or counselor).
- Set clear boundaries and remove yourself from the situation if needed.
- Seek support from a professional or a local resource.
Local Vancouver Resources for Support
If you need help or advice, these organizations can support you:
- BC Crisis Centre – Call 1-800-784-2433 or visit www.crisiscentre.bc.ca
- Wavefront Centre for Communication Accessibility – Provides support for Deaf and Hard of Hearing individuals. Visit www.wavefrontcentre.ca
- BC Society for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse – Support for men and boys who have experienced abuse. Visit www.bc-malesurvivors.com
- Sexual Assault Support Centre (SASC) at UBC – Provides education and resources for all genders. Visit www.ams.ubc.ca/services/sasc/
- Options for Sexual Health (OPT) – Sexual health services and education. Visit www.optionsforsexualhealth.org